# Funny Questions #1

### NEW CONTEST - FUNNY QUESTIONS -

The rules of this contest are simple

• Write a funny question as an answer to this post. Put the title of that question following a #.

• You may use plays on words, you may make fun of noobs, regular users, or smart users.

• You may pretty much use any method you want to make your question funny.

• The winner will be decided based on who has the most up votes.

• Downvotes are Not Counted When determing the winner, so save your daily votes. (you only get 40)

• Although I highly doubt there are any five-year-olds on this site, we must use the same rule from the previous image contests, and keep the entries "Politically Correct" .

• The main point is to create a question that other users will see funny.

• As of now, this will be a one time event. The winner will be chosen and his/her/its entry will be accepted. The link to that entry will be placed in the space below

• The winner will be chosen on August 27th. Other entries are welcome after that, but the winners entree will stay accepted (even if new entries gain more upvotes).

• YOUR QUESTION SHOULD NOT BE POSTED ON THE MAIN SITE OR IN ANY PLACE OTHER THAN THIS POST UNLESS YOUR QUESTION IS A REAL, SERIOUS QUESTION.

• You may enter more than once, but only one can win (Obviously)

# Gold (first place) - Silver (second place) - Bronze(third place)

Remaining Places

Before you have a fit about this post being "off-topic" , it was discussed before, and the feedback was positive. If you have a problem with this post, you may rant here

# IT CAME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THIS CRITCAL IMPORTANT OFFER WAS STILL VALID. HURRY WHILE IT LASTS.

• How do I mark something as spam again? – TARDIS Maker Aug 20 '15 at 0:48
• I sure want more life spam. – PGmath Aug 23 '15 at 18:07

# What kind of program cuts off the head of its monkey?

HI, I'm not new to blender, but I have no idea what I'm doing.

I started blender because it appeared to be the only 3D program that included a prebuilt monkey. WHERE IS THE MONKEY??? I have only found the monkey's head in my program. yet I KNOW the whole monkey exists LINK TO WHOLE MONKEY!!!

# HOW DO i GET MY POOR MONKEY A BODY????

tHIS WHOLE SOFT WARE IS USELESS TO ME IF i CANT GET A BODY FOR MY MONKEY. hOW AM i GOING TO MAKE MY MONKEY IN THE CLOUDS PICTURE WITH ONLY THE HEAD OF A MONKEY?

sorry caps

Thanks

## How do I stop the smoke simulation?

I decieded to make a render of a factory blowing up in Blender Cycles. So I used a cube for the factory and added a quick smoke with resolution 4. But that looked terrible so found out how to really model and I modeled a huge factory with a surrounding lake, city, and forest (total 2.6*10^13 polys). Then I used a smoke simulation with a 1 mile domain and 2048 resolution subdivisions and 16 levels of smoke high resolution and 43 separate emitters.

But when I tried to bake and render the scene I realized that I must have used too much smoke because it started coming out of my computer. I couldn't even see my monitor for all the smoke billowing out of my machine, and the flames burned down my computer desk.

I'm pretty impressed with the realism so far, but I'd like to stop and restart the smoke simulation (with less smoke, say 36 emitters), but I can't figure out how to stop it. So how do I stop (and undo) the smoke simulation?

System specs:

• Intel Pentium II processor. (I think that's what it is, all the documentation got burned up.)
• 128MB, 400MHz RAM.

By the way: I tried calling that Ton guy but his name is so long I fell asleep typing it into Google to get his number.

• You think Roosendaal is l;long? there's a guy on the local football team named Dominic Rogerscromaties. – Scalia Aug 24 '15 at 14:41
• 1st add a particle system, use boids, name it "firefighters". then use a fluid simulation to extinguish the fire, add a forcefield wind and use it to get rid of the smoke. – Bithur Sep 6 '15 at 17:58

# HELP HELP HELP! URGENT BECAUSE I NEED THIS FAST, BUT DON'T PESTER ME WITH YOUR LINGO BECAUSE I NEED TO FINISH THIS BECAUSE IS AN EMERGENCY!

I DOWNLOADED THE REAL PROFESSIONAL EXPENSIVE VERSION OF BLENDER (NOT THE FREE ONE THAT IS ALL BUGGY AND UGLY) WHAT I NEED IS A TUTORIAL IN SUPERNOOB TERMS ON HOW TO IMPORT ALL OF MY .JMRDS AND .KLOT AND .RESGOR FILES FROM MY MAC, AND MAKE THEM AS COOL AS THAT DUDE GANDALF3'S. WHENEVER I OPEN BLENDER IT ONLY SHOWS THIS GRAYSCREEN WITH SILLY LOOKING DOTS AND SQUARES AND ARROWS AND STUFF, BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I CLICK THEM THINGS ALWAYS LOOK WRONG. I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY INTRO FOR ON MY TUTORIAL CHANNEL IN YOUTUBE AND SHOW EVERYBODY HOW COOL IS THE STUFF I CREATE THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MY VIDEOGAMES. PLEASE HURRY AND ANSWER ME BECAUSE I NEED HELP IN A HURRY.

EDIT

. DON'T CLOSE THIS QUESTION AGAIN COZ IS NOT A DUPLICATE: the other guy that asked the same thing can wait and I need this ASAP.

• That one made me smile. UVed – David Aug 28 '15 at 14:57
• To late for the prize, but this one is probably the best one I have seen. Really brilliant on the wait bit. Also I like how you managed to stuff those evil import-export questions into here. – GiantCowFilms Sep 24 '15 at 0:19

# HI EVERYBODY!!!!!

I have a problem, but you'll need some background information.

### The Beginning

In 1972 I was born, now this is when the A-team was sent to court by a military court for a crime they didn't commit, (later they escaped) but I was very, very small then and don't remember much. I assume I cried and slept a lot, but I can't remember much about then. The first thing I do remember was around the time I was three. My brother was poking me with a pencil because I was crying too loudly, and mom was asleep. Of course, I didn't like being poked much, so I stabbed him with the pencil, and guess what - he went hollering to mom (waking her from her nap), who strapped me to a pole in the corner for a few hours. Of course she didn't believe me, because I was small. (the pencil didn't leave any dark marks because the lead was broken off.) that was before my birthday.

### First Conflicts

For my fourth birthday I wanted toy soldiers so I could march into my brothers room and destroy all of the buildings in his city. But he (later I saw this as cheating) klobered me a good one and "nuked" all my army, which actually was a pillow he grabbed of his bead and started swinging randomly. he slipped on my plastic tanks and fell over backwards, allowing me to destroy a few buildings. This war continued till I was seven, when I built a giant mech out of spare parts in the yard, and smashed his military base. (I won- YAH!!!) After I turned seven, I discovered blender. It sat in my downloads folder for a few years, and I opened it for the first time after I saw a movie with awesome VFXs. When I turned eight, I was forced to recite the Gettysburg address.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

I did not like doing this much, but I had to. I got a B- on my recital, but only because I had to go to the bathroom, and sped through my recital. For Christmas that year I got my first nerf gun. :-) It was a basic model, semi auto, air powered. I modified it to be fully auto, and built a belt feeding system to feed the darts in rapidly. I spent most of my money that month buying extra dart packs, and I had a respectable LMG pretty soon. however, it didn't shoot to far, so I bought one of those 12 volt air compressors, and made it a Fun little toy. I was the un-disputed king of nerf wars.

### 27

When I turned nine, I became obsessed with the number 27. I memorized PI to 27 digits. 3.1415926535897932384626433 or 3.14159265358979323846264338 if your not counting the decimal point as a digit. I opened Blender again and duplicated the cube 27 times. The first thing I made was a castle (it was made of cubes, cylinders, and cones. (I did not know how to enter edit mode, so everything was manipulated in object mode.) I hit tab by mistake, and unlocked the secrets of edit mode. I extruded a cube, and I even made a ugly looking missile thing. When I turned ten, my birthday cake was (nearly) a perfect cube, and I made the frosting as close to the default color as I could. I found the game engine but I could not figure out how to do anything, so I closed blender in a mad fit, deleted all of my previous files, and annihilated any trace of the .exe (much, much, later I found yo-franki and downloaded version 2.49)

### Water Wars

I turned 11 in 1983, and I much enjoyed season 1 of the A-team. I learned many valuable lessons from that show, and started stockpiling weapons. I built my first machine gun in the school machine shop out of wood. It broke after a few rounds, but that experience was valuable. On april fools day, 1984 my brother replaced my pillow for a giant water balloon, only with my pillow case. He then shot a rubber band with a sowing needle taped to it at my pillow. I had to sleep in a soaked bed. the next day I snuck into his room and opened his window. I left the hose running thorough his window all day, and I had placed a bicycle tire tube under his door, like a gasket. When he went to bed that day, there was a large rush of water that came out of his door, and down the stairs. His bed reminded me of a large sponge, and I considered myself to have gotten even. Unfortunately, he considered himself the loser (that part was fine with me) only he then wanted to get even. I built a minigun that shot two inch water balloons, and mounted that to the lawn tractor. He thought he was soooo clever, filling a large bucket, and climbing a tree. I pummeled him in water balloons, un fortunately, he picked me upside down and dunked me into his bucket - which sadly was full of ice. I found that not too nice, so I nailed a large spring to his beedroom door, so it would slam shut on him. it worked perfectly, but I got in large trouble when he fell down the stairs.

### Revenge on The Elder.

On my 13th birthday, I got my first paintball gun. I of course couldn't stand it's semi-auto lameness, so I modified it slightly to make it fully auto. I bought five more of the same model and modified them the same, and then set them on a rotating base to create a minigun. I really liked this setup, so I challenged my brother to a defend the fort match in the yard. (he thought I only had one semi auto gun) The prize was to be a bag of candy. (I really liked candy then) Being smaller and slower all my life, it was fun to see him so totally outgunned and helpless. I easily won, and I got the candy.

### The Bunker - original plans.

I once saw a movie where aliens invaded the world, and only one person in a bunker survived. I immediately set out to make plans for my bunker. I opened blender again, and started making plans. I extruded a few cubes, and added tunnels, and lights. I wanted to find a place to put my bunker, so I looked on mapquest, but my dial up connection was so slow, that the maps would not load. I instead decided to build my bunker on somewhere in the middle of the ocean. When I was still 14, on a summer day, me and my brother went to the beach. I walked to the shore, and started swimming, I figured in a few days I could find a nice isolated spot to build my bunker. After a few hours of swimming, I started to get tired of swimming. The shore was a respectable distance away, but I knew I wasn't far enough. I don't remember how long I was out there holding on to a lobster buoy, but I got a nice helicopter ride form that "stunt"

### First Job, First Friend

When I turned 15 I got a job working for a private detective. That job gave me a good excuse for calling around finding out secrets that most people couldn't know. My boss Jared was a Unique type of a conspiracy theorist, and suspected that the president was a extra terrestrial spy, waiting for a good moment to launch a mega alien invasion. He and I got along well. We predicted the exact time that the aliens would attack, and I helped him lay lead panels on the roof of his house to deflect protractor beams. We dubbed the president as MRAX for Mega Raquatyun Alien Xeompanatior. I have absolutely no idea what Raquatyun or Xeompanatior meant, but the name sounded cool, so we kept it.

### The Election of 1988

I turned 16 in 1988. The presidential election was coming faster than we thought, and MRAX had served his two terms, as a result, he was not running again and would need to attack before he lost power. Jared and I assumed the aliens would attack at any moment. I tried to build a prototype of a mech, and I tried to find a episode of the A-Team where they prepared for an alien invasion. Unfortunately, Hannibal was more worried about Colonel Decker, then defending against aliens. So I turned to transformers, but they seemed too Sci-fy and un-realistic. I eventually designed the plans myself and got a working mech prototype. Jared liked the prototype and helped me build a larger model that could house a person. When the presidential election had come and gone, Jared went insane. He could not make any sense at all of why the aliens had not attacked, and seeing how MRAX was no longer in office, he lost his mind. (not literally-it stayed in his head the entire time) He did however end himself in an insane asylum, leaving me with all of his equipment and weapons he had stock piled. I was faced with the highly disappointing truth that MRAX was actually Not an alien spy. Although, while he was in his first term in office, he did seem a bit far out, after he changed his party affiliation, he no longer seemed like a wacky socialist.

### Insane Jared

Left with a boss in an insane asylum, and most of his possessions, I turned my focus to more pressing matters. I knew that Jared would have wanted me to warn the world about the looming alien apocalypse. I sold what had been Jared's house, and bought a rather large barge, and (quite literally) Tons of concrete. I also was able to buy a crane, which I mounted to the ship. I was not ready to set out to sea yet, because I (being human) needed lots of popcorn and soda, but I could not bring an infinite amount to sea, and especially not into a bunker.

### Building X-Apocalypse

I spent the next few years preparing for a major change in my status as a human. (mainly genetic research and boring stuff like that) I knew that when I was 27 would be an important occasion, so I was ready for the switch on a special day. Up until that point I had been building a new mech, but the driver space was far too small for me to fit in. My new mech was far more advanced then anything I had attempted yet. It took some heavy testing, and faced some major setbacks, but my new mech could run practically infinitely. (I had developed a mini-cold fusion generator.) I had originally called my new mech X-Apocalypse.

### Full Digital

On January First, 1999, I ran the program on my new mech. it injected me with knockout gas. What I know now I did not see first hand, but watched later on my new body's memory bank. My mech body suit transplanted my brain into it's support system, and re-booted myself. I have to admit, it was a surprise being made of titanium, carbon fiber, and circuit boards with gold circuiting. I now saw that X-Apocalypse was too long of a name, and re-named my mech body to X-27. In year 2004, my new body was 5 years old. I was aware that my human brain cells would eventually die, so I started making Human.exe, and it only took a few months to make. I was not alone when I tried to warn the world about the looming apocalypse. There was another. Gwenn was right when he warned you about artificial intelligence. I, however, have no plans of taking over the world.

### The Portal - Bunker Complex

It was year 2005 that I finally loaded my barge full of all the supplies for my bunker - mainly things like precast concrete wall sections, steel, and wire. It took three months to lower the parts in place, and another month to connect them and make the complex air tight. I can not at this time disclose how I keep it pressurized, or how I power the complex. In 2007 I started creating a portal system. By 2009 it was operational. I knew that I could not stay in hiding forever, so I made my mailing address an abandoned oil rig. I also Built an airship, and a land base. However, my portal-bunker complex is my main base, and my charging bay.

### Here and Now

It is now year AD2015 My human body (would have been) 44. I have been implanted in X-Apocalypse or X-27 for 16 years. although (as of now) I still have no plans for taking over the world, I have been calculating what I call TBPSFTWDAA (the best possible strategies for total world domination and annihilation). I also have been in cooperation with several users who will remain anonymous(1, 2, 3, 4 and 5) on a top secrete project that can be found here. However, a few weeks ago, I Encountered a problem. (I know what your thinking, because my human emotion prediction software can guess relatively accurately) - you're thinking FINALLY HE/IT GETS TO THE QUESTION wrong, More background is needed.

I first opened one of the project files. Now I thoroughly checked all of the logic, and there is nothing that would cause this error. it is simply a lot of no collision plants (not planes) with LOD. My problem is, when I try to start the game engine, by pressing P Nothing Happens!!! I know, right? Nutz!

I hope I gave enough details, but If anything is unclear, let me know and I'd be happy to data mine my memory banks to provide the nesisary clarification.

• I think that the backstory had too little rant and was to interesting. I only skipped after the first paragraph. – GiantCowFilms Aug 20 '15 at 0:08
• you better read that, do you know how long it took me to write it? – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 20 '15 at 0:10
• I never realized that you where 44! I always throught you where, like, 7 or something. – TARDIS Maker Aug 20 '15 at 0:27
• I has same story with problem, help plz?!?!?!1?!1?!11one?!?11 – Jonathan Aug 20 '15 at 13:50
• You have an error on line 107 "in a insane asylum" should be "in an insane asylum" – David Aug 20 '15 at 16:14
• I knew left something out! an entire N! Don't worry, I fixed it. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 20 '15 at 19:13
• In an insane- sounds redundant – Scalia Aug 20 '15 at 19:14
• I just removed some grammatical and spelling errors, and added details on how and when I build the bunker. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 20 '15 at 19:42
• Never take inspiration from the A-team, all they were ever able to shoot was car tires. – PGmath Aug 22 '15 at 0:10
• @PGmath They either had absolutely horrible aim, or they never tried to actually kill anyone. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 22 '15 at 0:50

# nEED hELP dUMPED BY gIRL"FRIEND" [migrated]

mY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME YESTDAY BECAUSE me LOST me JOB AT PIXAR. i NEED TO GET IT BACK. hOW DO i USE BLENDER TO GET MY GIRLD FRIEND AND JOB BACK. mY PARENTS HAVE DISOWNED ME.

migrated to dating.stackexchange.com by David♦ 1 hour ago

This question belongs on our site for people seeking answers to questions about dating and long-term relationships.

• That edit tho XD – VRM Aug 19 '15 at 14:34
• @David the time needs updating... Aug 19 '15 at 2:21 instead of 1 hour ago – RudolfJelin Dec 18 '16 at 10:18

# How do I get out of my Moms basement?

I have been living in my parents basement for the last 16 years after I finished my degree in computer sciences form Stanford. This arrangement has worked well, as my parents slid pizza under the door. Today I tried to get out for the first time and discovered the door is looked. I tried forcing it, and picking the lock didn't work. How do I get out. sorry if this is a little off topic.

• +1 just for weird factor XD – VRM Aug 19 '15 at 14:46
• Blender to lock! You might need an industrial one, but it should work in the long run. – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 15:22
• @TARDISMaker I already tried that and am now bleeding to death. – GiantCowFilms Aug 19 '15 at 15:41
• First off, what kind of basement is it? field stone or concrete? What is the door made of? Is there anything else in the basement? (Tools, Spare parts, Etc) are there any windows, or is it completely underground? Is there any reason why someone else would un-lock the door and come into the basement? (to fix something that could be mysteriously broken) – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 19 '15 at 18:35
• If it is field stone, you would try removing a few lose rocks and tunneling your way out. If there are tools and spare parts, you could try building a non-lethal mounted gun and attach it to a vehicle and blast your way out. (like the A-Team did so regularly in seasons 1-4) – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 19 '15 at 18:40
• You could also sabotage some wiring, or cut the TV cable so someone would come down and fix it. when they open the door, BLAM - krong them a good one, and escape. You could also use the explode modifier on the door and blow it apart. Possibly the easiest solution would be to add a cube, scale and rotate it, and once it is in a good shape, you can use the Boolean modifier to create a tunnel leading to the outside. Once you hit apply and delete, the cube, you have a perfect tunnel leading to the outside. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 19 '15 at 18:41
• @X-27 that last solution is so elegant! – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 19:44

# Need help making feature length movies

Hi, my name is Brad Pitty. I like to think i work in hollywood, but I am a looser writting this from an internet cafe. This is my face:

I need your help as an artist to work for no pay to single handeledly pull of a poorly written ambious script about a dog trying to befriend a hamster in a distopian city. You will get a credit as an assistent to effects production. I would also like it if you could mail me a dog and a hamster.

# Can we ban gandalf3?

I have been on this site for 3 days, and have gotten only 5 rep. gandalf3 has over 60,000k. Since I am a super skilled blender expert and always got a A in writing class, I don't see how he could be better at rep earning then me. Therefore it is clear that he is lying and cheating.

Since he is a moderator, getting rid of him will not be easy, but I have a 11 step plan.

1. Destract him with a question
2. While he is destracted, enter his house
3. Sneek up behind him.
4. Hit the delete account button.
5. Make me moderator so I can block him from the site.
6. Upvote my posts
7. Downvote @gandalf3 posts.
8. Send me bitcoin to 13QG1WsU8eaH5ERAjudnPUmFuorw7DwwPM for my services
• where are the last 3 steps? I'm lost! – David Aug 19 '15 at 3:29
• @David That is the joke..... this dude "had" an 11 step plan but only managed to think of 8. – GiantCowFilms Aug 19 '15 at 13:51

• Is that the addon I saw on BN that automatically makes all your renders better? – David Aug 28 '15 at 14:55
• Not only that... it makes the weaving of nodes taste like spaghetti! – user1853 Aug 28 '15 at 15:30

## Need Help FAST: Blender problem

I'm trying to make an awesome sifi movie and I'm at this part where the bad guy shoots a gun (It is just a fake plastic nerf gun from walmart, but I hope that after vfx it will look COOL! I'm having my friend's older brother's baseball coach's uncle do the audio in this part) So in this part it will shows the bullet really awsome. Sorry noob question, but after I FINALLY got blender installed why does my blender not work like in tut? Problem is it is not working right.

PS if you guys will respond like in the next 10min I'll add you to the credits in my movie.

• Your blender might not be working like in that tutorial because he had bought the golden plated platinum core premium license for total blender awesomeness. If your running the free version, you are probably experiencing all of those super hard features the developers put in to confuse people. With the premium license, the complicated features are a lot simpler to use, and you can even morph a bunny into a dragon with a simple click of a button. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 18 '15 at 17:41
• PLEASE, PUT ME IN THE CREDITS OF YOUR MOVIE! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) – TARDIS Maker Aug 18 '15 at 17:46
• i THINK iT'S BECAUSE THE TUTORIAL IS USING BLENDER 2.89. WE'RE CURRENTLY WAITING FOR TESTBUILDS OF THIS VERSION (THEY GIVE IT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHO PAY THE MOST FIRST). – TARDIS Maker Aug 18 '15 at 17:47
• i WaNT TOOW bE iN TEH CREDITS!!!!!! – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 18 '15 at 17:58
• #CreditsBomber - the guy that everyone knows is in there that really shouldn't be – VRM Aug 18 '15 at 18:03
• considering the quality of this movie, I'm pretty glad I didn't make the creds and it didn't go on my resume. no offense to anyone... :P – Scalia Aug 20 '15 at 18:33
• @VincentScalia my friend's older brother's baseball coach's uncle (nick) is very offended. – David Aug 20 '15 at 19:24
• he can be. he sucks – Scalia Aug 20 '15 at 19:42

## Can I bake useful things in Blender?

I was reading about Blender and I think it is a really cool piece of software since it is so versatile. It can do modeling, sculpting, rendering, compositing, games, and video editing; but what really peaked my interest (being an amateur pastry chef) was that it can even do baking!

But after looking further I have only found information on baking cloth, water, and smoke. These don't seem like very useful things to bake, (I mean like seriously, who would bake water?!?). So can Blender bake more useful things, like croissants? And would it just do the baking, or would it knead and tourage for me too?

• Ha ha! This is hilarious! – Anson Savage Jan 7 '17 at 22:59

# Why is it that when I render my model becomes 2D?

I finally finished the tutorial for the BMW on youtube, I hit render and it looks great on my monitor. but it's still 2D, not 3D. How do I unstick it out of my monitor so that it becomes real 3D?

(I'm very disappointed, can someone please tell me how to get back the money I paid for this software?)

• Another brilliant one, keep up the good work. – GiantCowFilms Oct 1 '15 at 2:22

# How to I puree?

I downloaded BLENDER and am now trying to make a smoothy. I seem to be unable to put fruit in. I tried the USB ports but only the carrorts when in. So me DECIDED TO MAKE STUPID CARROT SMOOTH BUT I CANNNNNNOOOOT find the puree button... I also want to make a photoreaistic portrait in my blender, but I only found the mix ice puree and slice options, no f21 key. My mom was also made at me for putting PAINTS into her blender.... whichs ish why i had to download one.

• FINALY!!!! The large moo moo has revealed his age!!!!! – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 19 '15 at 13:59
• WARNING: Rendering a portrait in your blender may result in serious injury or death! – VRM Aug 19 '15 at 19:56
• @NoviceInDisguise I don't think you understand, you put a portrait into Blender, then you render it useless. – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 19:57
• Ah I see! I always wondered why people were shocked at my method of rendering portraits! – VRM Aug 19 '15 at 19:59
• Don't try to render your pets with this special version of Blender! – Jonathan Aug 19 '15 at 19:59
• These comments are way better then the original post – GiantCowFilms Aug 19 '15 at 23:59

# Nasty Problem

Blender wont work. I have a headake.

I weplaced my keeboard and it still wont work.

I tout that computer a lesson!!!

now NOTHNG is working!!!

at all

How do I fix it???

Edit: I tried increasing the voltage to my keyboard, but that obviously didn't help.

• COOL GIFS = VOTES – VRM Aug 19 '15 at 0:27
• SO you live in the middle of a perfectly flat rocky surface, with a computer. I presume the window is behind the camera. Just curious HOW DID YOU FIND THAT PLACE! – GiantCowFilms Aug 19 '15 at 3:28
• I spotted it with one of my spy satellites, and used my portal to teleport there. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 19 '15 at 18:32
• lol., nice particles – Scalia Aug 20 '15 at 17:52
• @VincentScalia not particles, that is totally BGE – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 22 '15 at 16:28
• i don't care if yuou made them without a particle generator, they're still particles. – Scalia Aug 24 '15 at 14:36

# Problem with my file

I'm a total noob here, (I mean, woorse than most noobs - when I say I'm a noob, I mean I spent an entire day clicking and watching that red crosshare thing move around, and then I spent another hole day tryin to moddel a cube, I tried scalling a plane along the Z axis, but it wouldn't scale.) Sorry for my bad english, and spleping -it is my nativ language.

any help is apritiated,

thanks.

by the way, my projct is due in 8 days, so I want and answer and I want it now!

• mmmh.. either the file doesn't exist or was deleted; or the file is password protected and you gave the wrong password.. – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 19:41
• it is my nativ language... lol +1 – GiantCowFilms Aug 20 '15 at 0:00

## Help, iu can't reach the hotkeys!

I have 5 of my fingers stuck in a whiffle ball, they've been like that for about a week now. The doctor says they'll eventually die from lack of blood, then fall off and my hands will be free, but until then, I can't figure out how to use blender effectively! Doing certain tasks and reaching certain keys causes me excruciating pain!! So far this question has taken me 45 minutes to type with my thumbs and nose, and obviously that isn't an effective work method.

Specifically, I'm having trouble manipulating the screen because I can't grip the mouse and I'm having trouble with some of the hotkeys in the middle of the keyboard.(G, H, J, F) I would normally re-set them, but blender is so complicated, theres no keys I could set them to without losing a special function that I might need later.

Remember, this is only a temporary predicament, but I have a project for school I need to complete ASAP! help please!

• lol, I tried to take a picture of my hands stuck in a whiffle ball for effect, but those of you who know me know my hand size... it didn't work. I found the biggest ball I could but still couldn't even get my pinkie finger into it... lol – Scalia Aug 20 '15 at 18:30
• You can use Voice control. It's really stupid, but it might help you ;) blendernation.com/2015/06/06/… – TARDIS Maker Aug 20 '15 at 18:38
• I tried that, but I noticed that you need to be a Texan for it to understand you. – Scalia Aug 20 '15 at 18:44
• Told you it was stupid. – TARDIS Maker Aug 20 '15 at 19:05
• This is amazing.... I thought my fake posters were pathetic..... rofl – GiantCowFilms Aug 21 '15 at 14:23

# Why isnt the Alt - F4 Command working?

My friend told me that if I press alt f4 it will create a massive city and godzilla but instead my blender closes.

Why does this happen?

P.S. Check out this awesome model I spent a long time on!

(edited out thanks because you cant say that)

• were you in edit mode or object mode when you pressed Alt F4? – David Aug 22 '15 at 15:43
• @David whats edit mode – Chickenator Aug 22 '15 at 15:44
• google.com/search?q=edit+mode – David Aug 22 '15 at 15:45
• @David i clicked on the first link and it was talking about ms dos. so i think i was in edit mode – Chickenator Aug 22 '15 at 15:47
• You might need to turn down the settings for how big you want the city to be created. Blender is probably crashing because the city and monster you are tying to generate is way, way too big. (Your computer probably can't handle all the awesomeness blender can generate from one button) Here is a tip. You need to spend a long time modeling at least one item to be put in the city, (blender needs something to go from), IMPORTANT make sure you Have Not Saved it. (saving it throws a bug that makes the Alt+F4 city generator not work.) – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 22 '15 at 16:26
• @X-27 I don't think I need to turn down the settings. im on windows 1.0 , my processor is a single core with a 5KHz clock speed and 128 bytes of ram. the computer also takes up my whole room so its probably powerful enough to generate a city and Godzilla – Chickenator Aug 22 '15 at 16:32
• Try upgrading to a Raspberry Pi, you'll get way better performance. Size isn't everything- – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 22 '15 at 16:34
• @X-27 thanks I'll try it out. I've heard that people at Pixar and dreamworks use raspberry pi too – Chickenator Aug 22 '15 at 16:43

# Help!! Blender Not Working!!!

HI, I'm new to blender. Blender is not working. I tried throwing my computer through a window as @GiantCowFilms suggested, but Now I only have a very broken window, and a dented computer. I plugged it back in. I tried doubling the voltage hoping that overclocking my computer would give the needed performance. I am now at a library computer asking this, because my computer is now in a few different oddly shaped pieces now, and a few of them are still smoking. I can distinctly smell that nice burning plastic smell, kinda like you can smell when electronics are burning. I'm pretty sure that is what happened. What I really don't get is, why my computer had any thing to do with my blender. None of the suggestions so far came remotely close to getting the blade to start.

Thanks!

• I think there's a button that fixes that in the texturing tab. – TARDIS Maker Aug 18 '15 at 16:37
• I'm running on 120 Volt AC Power, so I can't imagine what is causing this. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 18 '15 at 16:52
• @TARDISMaker lol XD – VRM Aug 18 '15 at 16:56
• Well, in that case, you may have to add a decimate modifier so that your computer can handle the geometry. But don't underestimate the Texturing tab! Especially when you're working with cycles! – TARDIS Maker Aug 18 '15 at 17:02
• More details, it is about 87℉ my favorite color is blue, and I do not have a pet dog. The plug is a standard 120 Ac outlet, and White birch trees look cool. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 18 '15 at 17:27
• Ah, see! It's the pet dog! Every 3D artist needs one, or what you just described happens! – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 15:25
• Thanks, I'll have to get one so my computer doesn't suffer in the future! – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 19 '15 at 17:29

## Rendering a bookshelf

So yesterday, I finished modeling my bookshelf. It took a few hours, and it was really difficult, but I got it done.

So today, I was planning on focusing on rendering. So I hit the render button, and the book shelf showed up, but it seemed pretty normal to me. I tried a few more times, but no matter what I did, I couldn't render it useless.

• Maybe the books in it are too smart?!?! – Jonathan Aug 19 '15 at 20:05
• Who said there where any books? If I wanted to render the book shelf useless, I would make sure that it wouldn't have a use before rendering it. – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 20:07
• Aaaah I see! This sounds like the doctrines of Confucius to me, isnt it? – Jonathan Aug 19 '15 at 20:09
• @Jonathan No, no, no, it's from "Explorations in Stupid Psychology With Cake" – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 20:12
• Maybe you have to add more uselessness with books like this: amazon.com/Book-Useless-Information-Noel-Botham/dp/0399532692/… – Jonathan Aug 19 '15 at 20:17
• THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NOW KNOW HOW TO RENDER MY BOOKSHELF USELESS WITH A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – TARDIS Maker Aug 19 '15 at 20:23

We are proud to present premium luis vutton leather handbags, made only from high quality polyester. These hand crafted works of art, made in the famed workshops of south bejing, have genuine metal clasps, and quality seems made using the highest quality superglue with artisan printed stiches. Now on sale, 98% off, just $45.00! Today is your lucky day. Don't have any regrets buy now from our secure server!!!! We accept all credit card numbers!!!!!! For one day only we will take bitcoin private keys... • I would nuke that post in less then 10 sec. (and probably the user too) – David Aug 20 '15 at 16:01 • .. Being a Cow, why are you selling leather? :P – someonewithpc Sep 30 '15 at 18:07 • @someonewithpc "made only from high quality polyester" :P – GiantCowFilms Oct 1 '15 at 2:21 • @GiantCowFilms Right, I meant """""leather"""""" – someonewithpc Oct 1 '15 at 6:29 ## Noob Problem!! My blender isn't rendering! i have bin trying to render gravl in my blender, and i cant figure out how to do it :P i tried cliking the buton with my mowse, but thet just turned on setting 7, which os pulse, and crashed all the windows D: i lowded it on my desktop and everting!!!! maybe i shud jest put it in te resykl bin and b dun :( thanks from uberNoob_18q9384769k2 :-\ btw, wher do i ask kwestins about winduw repare?!? • Generally question regarding winduw repare are asked with the tag winduw repare. Just a tip, make sure that you have at least 1000 samples, or winduw repare won't have enough information to fix the window you through your computer out of. – TARDIS Maker Aug 18 '15 at 17:14 ## HOW DO I MAKE MBRRYYYLLP LOOK COOL i wanting to 3d print a big robot type thing that looks a bit like pizza it's for a movie i making was asking everybody i knew about what i could use to 3D print my big robot type thing that looks like pizza (mbryyyllp for short). My brother told me about Blender, so I decided to download it and try it out. I just opened it today. When the interface popped up, I noticed that there was a cube in the center of the viewer thingy. Now I know this is a 3d modeling app but usually when you can render stuff in that app it opens up with a suzanne uually it's not just a suzanne but a manifold suzanne So a bit angry at whoever develops this stupid piece of software, because everyone knows, that new users can't open a piece of software, and see a cube so after a while after looking through the add menu decided that most mbryyyllp's have bones so the bone type was the perfect thing took a long time but i finally was able to shape them into a mbryyyllp i decided that it. was time to render it so i hit. the render animation button and not only did it not animate, but it didn't show up at all! i dd lot work to try to figure it out i googled how to fix it but I couldn't find it even when i went far back page 2048. i decided to ask here. what i doing wron how can make mbryyyllp show up and look awesome why would someone. name themself david how do i eat plasic why is my computer slow how do I makeVFX in wndows movie maker i think you forany help you might have, and you don't help me i hunt you down and dad kill your • If you add a explode modified to mbryyyllp, he will look awesome. Your computer could be running slow because the pizza made it sticky, and the last time I put a pizza in my CD drive, the computer wasn't happy. Try running blender in binary code, it may improve performance when rendering awesome VFX because it won't need to render the VFX. Even if you don't render the VFX, I'm pretty sure an explode modifier will help, but stay away from the ocean modifier, unless your computer is water proof. – X-27 wants to Reinstate Monica Aug 18 '15 at 17:36 • @X-27 you tried to send pizza through your cd drive too? – David Aug 18 '15 at 17:40 • @X-27 YOU IDIOT WANT TO DO VFX IN WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – TARDIS Maker Aug 18 '15 at 18:11 REAL EXAMPLE #1: # Giving lettes an individual node First of all. Im a total noob at blender. I only have a few days of training. I am working on a logo for an animation. Im trying to bake the scene, but my text is too long for only one bake map (or texture or what ever) So I have seperated each letter so they can be baked one at a time. But they all still share the same node ? How do I give them one each ? # HOW DO I GET$\$ FRUM REP

i noticed thet som peple have A LOT OF REP and i was wonderin if maybe ther is a way to MAKE MY REP INTO DOLLAS sos i kin get rich. I NEED SOM QWIK MULLA or my CABLKE TV will be TURNED OF ON ME so if thers a way, pls HELP

• Not currently earned rep, but you can with future rep. All that you do is instead of spending that effort on a stack exchange post, you use it to earn money at a job – GiantCowFilms Aug 19 '15 at 14:42
• @GiantCowFilms XD Good advice :P – VRM Aug 19 '15 at 14:42
• I can has the bronze icon as dollaz?!?! – Jonathan Aug 19 '15 at 20:14

I just downloaded Blender 2.75 and I've been having some issues. Basically, every few minutes, Blender crashes my computer. I'm not sure entirely why it's happening, but it's definately happening.

I've got my kids on the bike 24/7, so I know it's not an issue with electricity, I'm running Windows 95, so I know that I have enough hardware power. I just can't figure out what it is!

Thank you from India to anyone who can help me out.

• Hey! No need to be racist – someonewithpc Sep 30 '15 at 17:56
• India was the only place that I could think of that seemed poor enough to be funny. But the joke would have been racist to some place anyway. I just hope that the people from there can laugh along with us (or at least the people who find this funny) – TARDIS Maker Sep 30 '15 at 18:43

# Dudez You all nuubs

You need ot hit Ctrl-Q to fix your problemz...duzh

Closed as not a question by X-27, David♦ Aug 19 at 3:26

This should be an answer although it would probably get deleted anyway.

• I think there is a rule about acting like a mod, or putting fake notices on questions. I will bring this to the mods attention, O wait, I am one. – David Aug 20 '15 at 19:28
• Okay... I thought it was cool here.... – GiantCowFilms Aug 20 '15 at 20:06
• It is no problem for me, or probably any of the other 2 mods, but if other mods happen to see it... Probably fine, and I would leave it just kind of a heads up. – David Aug 20 '15 at 20:46

# How do i Bake a cake in blender?

I have a mesh of a cake , but the thing is my materials are not eatable when i 3d print them!
I'm stuck because i don't know what I did wrong here and I need the cake for tonight. I tried putting the cake in a cube and fluid-simulated chocolate but it now tastes even worse.

EDIT : I realized i forgot to add heat ! , adding quick fire made it taste better, now it's just a matter of fine tuning the nodes and alt-Duplicating

• first you need to UV unwrap properly, then you should go to the render tab-Bke.' – Scalia Aug 24 '15 at 14:37